


What Happens in Moldovia (Does Not Stay in Moldovia)

by BairnSidhe, ValkyriePhoenix



Series: Things That Should Not Have Worked: a Brief History of S.H.I.E.L.D. [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, RED (Movies)
Genre: Anything that makes Boggs happy, Boggs' Bad Ideas Are Great Ideas, Crazy Man knows what he's talking about....sometimes., Don't ask., I Don't Even Know, Meanwhile, Mom Voice is a Thing, crackfic from hell, is probably really fricking terrifying, you should probably run.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 23:33:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12851910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BairnSidhe/pseuds/BairnSidhe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyriePhoenix/pseuds/ValkyriePhoenix
Summary: Ciara has a mission. A "minor nuclear problem."The very same "nuclear problem" Frank, Marvin, and Sara are sent on.Chaos ensues. As usual.





	What Happens in Moldovia (Does Not Stay in Moldovia)

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place during Adventures With Carter.
> 
> Huge shout out to BairnSidhe for being Crazy Man's voice for me.

Ciara was… irked. Irked was a good word. She hated Moldovia, with a passion that nearly rivaled her hatred for red plaid. It was supposed to be a cakewalk, a minor nuclear problem. It Was Not a Cakewalk. Some asshole shot her hair(she had a Space Balls moment), another bit was singed from a chemical fire, and there were two retired CIA agents, one of whom was a lunatic, the other had brought his lunatic girlfriend, running about causing chaos but apparently on the same mission she was on, as a favor to somebody. The Manual DOES NOT cover Retired CIA agents who refuse to stay retired, and she COULD NOT get Coulson OR Fury on the phone, and her handler was an idiot, and she wasn’t even going to try going that route.

Finally, she did the Not At All Approved SHIELD Method. She helped herself to their alcohol and waited for them on their couch. If they were going to do the same mission, they could at least not get in each other’s way. That required talking, which her employers generally preferred agents to avoid doing. Fuck her employers’ preferences. They weren’t here with burned hair and stupid shoes. (Somebody in Supplies had taken her Docs and replaced them with Standard Issues. Standard Issues did such a number on most feet, some field agents called them Standing Issues. And they were ugly as sin to boot. Hah.)

Naturally, when the NotSoRetired agents returned, the crazy one was already digging in his Stuffed Pig Of Doom. Crazy does not equal unobservant. Ciara sighed and waved a remote at him. “If I was here to attack you in any way, I would already have killed you. I’m not CIA, thankyewverymuch. Those asshats entirely deserved what they got last month. Only a criminally stupid agency like the CIA would try to kill agents good enough to actually retire. I’m in Moldovia on SHIELD business, which keeps ending up either nearly getting you shot, or you nearly getting me shot. I most notably have no orders at all on you. I’d rather not continue stepping on each other’s toes.”

Well, the girlfriend believed her, at least. And the somewhat sane guy looked to be at least considering it. Paranoia is as paranoia does, though, and Crazy was not convinced in the least that she wasn’t going to slaughter all of them. Ciara sighed, put down the remote, and downed the rest of her glass of very good Russian vodka while Crazy and Crazy Girlfriend argued about shooting her.

“My name is Ciara Harrow, I’m a level 8 SHIELD agent. My father was Lt. Col. Johnathan Harrow, yes, that one, and I grew up next door to Director Nicholas J. Fury. I have a pair of three year old twins who routinely make life hellishly interesting for every other agent on base, especially if they don’t like the agent in question. I’m here and not there because the BossMan got flak for not sending all his best agents out all at once so that someone would be available to keep my boys occupied, which means that someone unqualified for the special hazard of watching my twins is doing so while I’m here wasting time trying to work around your crazy. Now. Who are you and how are you going to help me get back to my boys before they burn down the agency I work for?”

Crazy stopped arguing for a moment, and Less Crazy looked at her funny.

“Where is their father?” Girlfriend asked.

“Classified and we don’t talk about him anyways. For Reasons.”

“Ah.”

Girlfriend got it, at least, though the men seemed to be more confused. Probably more to do with being men than anything else.

Girlfriend cleared the issue up for them, “Everybody has a crazy asshole ex they don’t talk about if they can help it. Him being classified only makes it so she CAN avoid talking about him indefinitely.”

The light bulbs went on.

“Frank Moses, pleased to meet you Ma’am,” said Less Crazy.

“Frank, are you insane?” asked Crazy.

“Do you remember the guy we disappeared for Victoria that one time in Argentina?”

“Yes, of course…. Oh.” Crazy’s face shifted. “Call me Marvin. Do you like bombs?”

“Hah. You might say that. I have a habit of turning whatever is on hand into bombs when bored. Don’t turn on the light in your bathroom without changing the bulb first, by the way. You took longer than expected to get here.”

“I like her, Frank,” Marvin said softly. “She feels… right. To the thing in my head.”

“Your insanity?” Girlfriend asked.

“No, the other thing.”

“Maybe we can talk about that later,” Frank said with a sigh. “Ma’am, this is Sara Ross.”

“Not related to the OTHER Ross’ I hope? The General is an Ass.”

"Uncle Thad can suck ten thousand moldy dicks."

“I am sooo sorry.”

“Me too, if you know him. Booze? We have some still, I hope.”

“I only drank the one glass, and, if I can reach her today, Black Widow can get us some better vodka.”

“You know the Black Widow?” Marvin asked, admiringly.

“She’s basically my sister in law. The boys call her their NatMonster. She’s their favorite aunt.”

Frank Moses was starting to look very worried. Marvin, more engaged. The two occurrences were probably related.

Ciara’s HERO phone pinged, and she read through the file attached to an email she was CC’ed on quickly. “Mother. Of. God. I think I’m going to need more booze, too.” She did something with her phone and turned the phone so they could read the report themselves, but couldn’t change the screen except to scroll.

Marvin and Frank read through the report of the absolute chaos her twins had caused in Russia in less than 48 hours while Sara poured a large glass of vodka for Ciara. Marvin was delighted, Frank couldn’t seem to decide if he was impressed or horrified….which was the usual reaction to seeing her boys at work. Three year olds are not supposed to both out agent the agents AND out-chaos everyone including villains.

“We’re keeping them,” Marvin announced.

“Marvin, they aren’t dogs,” Frank sighed, “You can’t just KEEP them.”

“Why not?”

“Because they are people who already have a home.”

“Mine’s better.”

“Yours is a bunker underground, which is not conducive to active three year old boys.”

“....Why else?”

“You apparently have to fight the Black Widow for them.”

“...oh.” Marvin thought about it. “She may live in the bunker too.”

“Absolutely not!” Sara insisted. “Human women not on the run from hostile government killers are not to be subjected to your house keeping. If you want to invite her, you have to hire a maid. I know you will not hire a maid, so you may keep neither Ciara’s children nor the Black Widow.”

“You are, however, welcome to visit us any time I’m not on a mission somewhere, and I’ll get you on the list Uncle Nick keeps of my approved contacts that SHIELD doesn’t get to know about,” Ciara cajoled, taking back her phone and moving towards the door, “I need to read someone a riot act, I’ll be back momentarily to plan a solution to our ‘minor nuclear problem’.” 

She dialed as she walked, “Поставьте меня на спикер. Наталья Алиановна Романова, тебе лучше быть моей добывающей командой, и тебе лучше принести мне лучшую проклятую водку…” The closing of the door cut off the rest of her tirade, but Marvin finally looked scared. Even crazy men know better than to mess with the Mom Voice.

Frank sighed. Again.

***

When Nat and Coulson landed at the designated place to pick up Ciara, they found not one person waiting for them, but four. Natasha Immediately turned on the BugZapper, and lowered the ramp.

“Ciara, Nat’s got the zapper on, any bugs will be scrambled. You didn’t say we had guests.”

“I knew she’d know to do that. I wasn’t going to speak for them until after I had their permission to. Phil Coulson, meet Frank Moses, Marvin Boggs, and Sara Ross, unfortunately related to the Other One, which we will not speak of again.”

“I understand. Frank, Marvin. Never did think you’d stay retired. Welcome aboard, Black Widow is piloting. Ciara, Hawkeye is at home with the boys…..and the animals they adopted. He’ll be taking the hen and goat at least, out to his sister’s farm after we get there.”

As the ramp came back up and possessions were stored, Tasha came into the cargo area. A single raised eyebrow turned on Ciara, “Well we know where your boys get it from. I’m not sure if they have better taste in adoptions or you do, though. Theirs include a cantankerous chicken from hell and a goat kid caught on youtube pissing on a KGB boot mid-riot. Yours include Moses and Boggs. I think you’re about even.”

Marvin paused and looked confused, “Wait, am I the goat or the chicken?”

“The chicken,” everyone deadpanned simultaneously.

“Also,” Tasha added, “You’re still wearing a dress. That’s fine if you like it, I think the floral print is quite nice. Clint would like it for an apron. He likes his aprons. But if you don’t, there’s changes of clothes in the bin behind you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Translation:  
> “Поставьте меня на спикер. Наталья Алиановна Романова, тебе лучше быть моей добывающей командой, и тебе лучше принести мне лучшую проклятую водку…”
> 
> Put me on speaker. Natalia Alianovna Romanova, You had better be my extraction team, and you had better bring me the best goddamn vodka ever
> 
> Notes:  
> "The light bulbs went on"- they suddenly understood.  
> Victoria is the MI6 agent played by Helen Miren.


End file.
